from the specimen drawer

from the specimen drawer

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Things Coming Out of Anuses (Wait! It's Educational!)

Warning: this post may not be suitable for those individuals with a sensitive nature.

So... As I mentioned earlier, I was going to talk to you about things coming out of anuses. This would definitely fall under the category of Gross, but how could it be cool? Oh, it is. Just imagine, say, you're taking a hike in the woods and all of a sudden a cougar jumps out at you. You forget all the cougar rules like "don't run", "try to look big", etc., blah, blah, blah and you, quite naturally panic and run. The cougar is just about to catch you when all of a sudden you remember your special adaptation to being easy, slow prey and you pull down your pants and shoot your guts out of your anus. There they are, your innards, in a nice, fresh, steaming pile on the ground. (Hey, I told you it was gross.) It's really what the cougar wants anyway. He doesn't WANT to waste valuable energy leaping on you and then holding you down while you are thrashing around under him, then after all that having to chew through your clothes to eat you! Anyway, he sees your delicious guts and starts munching, totally ignoring you while you make your getaway and hide out in the woods until your guts grow back.

But wait, there's more! Imagine you're a crime fighter or super hero. You're being chased by a bad guy. He's really strong and fast and has other powers much greater than yours so you know that if he catches you you're dead. So what do you do? You use your super DOO-PER power and lift your cape and release your rear hatch and let loose long (more than 30 times your body length!) sticky strings from your anus. Of course the bad guy doesn't expect this so he runs right into the middle of the pile. The more he struggles the more tangled he gets. You release the strings from your anus and take off into the night...

THESE SUPER POWERS REALLY EXIST! Sadly not with us. Though it would be a great excuse to get out of work- "Sorry, I can't come in today. My cat jumped out at me last night and I accidentally expelled all of my guts through my anus and I need to stay home until they grow back." Besides, you could only use that excuse once every few years.) Seriously... Sea Cucumbers, the Holothurians, one class of echinoderms, can do these things! "AAAAH!!"- the sea cucumber screams as he lays in the sandy sea grass bed inching along on his little bristley "legs"- "It's gonna eat me!"... SPLAT...narrow escape...

Next time you play "would you rather" with your kids ask them if they would rather have super speed or shoot long sticky, strings out of their butts. I bet they'll say "That's Gross!" and some might even say "That's Gross... but cool!"

1 comment:

  1. love your writing! this one especially had me laughing out loud.